Matcha-coated, freeze-dried strawberries were responsible for a tantrum I threw a week ago. Scrolling through Instagram, I found a video of a woman. She approaches a self-serve tub of green spheres — much like what you’d see in a candy store.
However, these are no cotton candy jelly beans or gumballs. These are matcha-coated, freeze-dried strawberries, remember? They’re priced at an astounding $7.80 for 100 grams — $39.00 for 500 grams.
The New Zealand brand that posted the video, GoodFor, supplies multiple health and nutritional products for a no doubt affluent clientele. Just look at their “low price” pretzels in the classic bow tie shape. 100 grams is priced at $2.10 while 500 grams sits at a hefty $10.48.
Compare this to Rold Gold’s 453.6 grams (one pound) of pretzel bow ties, priced at $3.98 at your local Walmart.
Growing up on low-cost frozen meals and juice pouches, I obviously wasn’t raised on any no-sugar, organic, gluten-free alternatives. After all, I probably would’ve hated them anyway.
Perhaps I’m just painfully American.
Wellness brands truthfully aren’t made for me, and they likely aren’t made for you. Even now, with adult money and my own car, I’ve never been to a Whole Foods. I’ve been to a Trader Joe’s once and bought a chocolate bar that was so god-awful that I left it to melt in the nearest parking lot trash can.
Wellness brands and “sustainable” lifestyles have become an annoying pastime for the incredibly rich. Don’t get me wrong, I can get down with some reusable straws or fresh fruit. But when did eco-friendly alternatives go from practical to incredibly stupid?
I live just fine without activated, organic charcoal powder in my smoothies. I suppose the creators of these wellness brands — often blond-haired, blue-eyed and white-skinned — think otherwise.
Another New Zealand-based brand, Cali Woods, shares a similar consumer base with GoodFor. In an Instagram post on GoodFor’s page, they feature Cali Woods’ creator Shay Lawrence. Lawrence said she started the brand when she “came home from traveling and seeing otherwise pristine parts of the Pacific Ocean overwhelming with our rubbish.”
I love the ocean too, truly. But I don’t think something like Cali Woods’ “Cora Ball” has a tangible impact on the Earth.
The “Cora Ball” is an oddly shaped plastic sphere you throw in the washer during your “sustainable” laundry routine. For $64.00, it’ll supposedly catch synthetic fibers from your clothes.
Much like Gwenyth Paltrow’s brand Goop, Cali Woods is another brand that assumes you have enough money and time to devote to an eco-friendly lifestyle. Truth be told, most people don’t hate the Earth and wish they could make changes to live better.
However, snake oil saleswomen of wellness brands offer up prices that only those who are equally rich can afford. Why buy processed fruits and vegetables from your supermarket when you can grow your own organic foods in the backyard? Why buy fast fashion like Shein when you can own something sustainable like Goop’s “Chloe Blouse” for $1,850?
It’s a disconnect that they’ll never understand. If you’ve got the funds, you can live longer, be skinnier, stay healthier. If you’re a normal person with a 40+ hour work week, don’t get your hopes up.