- Show up late – This is a classic move. Showing up late is the best way to show the person you’re going out with that you’ve got no respect nor regard for their time. The key is timing. Being five minutes late is still in the range of understandable. 30 or 40 minutes late is too long. The person might decide to call it off and now the plane’s crashed on the runway. Remember, the goal is to not have a second date, not miss out on the first. A healthy range is 15-18 minutes. And for good measure, be sure and wait until about two or three minutes before you’re supposed to pick up your date to let them know you’re going to be late. And don’t give an update after that.
- Loud Music – The drive to the destination is one of the key foundations of the date. It’s a time to break the ice a little bit and get rid of some of those first date nerves. So, be sure and have as little conversation as possible during this ride over. The best way to mask the silence is blare music with the windows rolled down. The volume needs to be just loud enough to not be able to communicate without shouting, but soft enough to where you don’t get pulled over. For the music itself, pick your poison. Some great options include rap music that explicitly objectifies women, the album “Filth” by Swans and anything by Limp Bizkit. The bonus tactic here is to commit a low-risk, but noticeable traffic violation on the drive over.
- Restaurant Etiquette – Another classic move is to act poorly at the restaurant. It first starts with holding the door, as in don’t do it. Bonus points if you get the other person to hold it for you. (Don’t say thanks.) Be sure and complain about where the waiter seats you just enough to make your date uncomfortable. But don’t ask to be moved. Instead, just bring up how you can’t see the T.V. very well from where you’re seated every ten minutes or so. When it comes to ordering, be sure and ask your date what appetizer they may want and then order something completely different. And then complain about the distribution of the appetizer. For example, if you order nachos as an appetizer, then say something about your date eating all of the nachos with chicken on them. And, of course, be sure and have some non-verbal time where you scroll on your phone for about a minute.
- Egregious Fit – Nothing says “I don’t care about this” more than bringing out a terrible fit to the first date. A wrinkled graphic t-shirt with ketchup-stained jeans. AND1 basketball shorts paired with your Muhsin Muhammad Panthers Jersey. (Yeah, you know ball.) Don’t wear a belt and constantly be pulling up your pants the entire date. Bonus points if you go with a cutoff sleeveless t-shirt. If the date is more casual, then wear something that is just slightly offensive – like that Pantera t-shirt or Reagan-Bush ‘84 hoodie you own for some reason. A baseball cap can also work as a way to ensure the date that you just threw something together before leaving your place. In terms of personal grooming, don’t shave and definitely don’t wear any sort of cologne. Unless it’s AXE, then use an excessive amount.
- 1. Compensation – So you’ve really screwed this one up. You were kind, considerate and respectful. You held the door and engaged in conversation. You made them laugh and kept them engaged. You threw in a few compliments. You dressed and even smelled nice. You paid for everything. And afterward, you got a text saying they had a good time and that they’d want to do it again. The second date is forming like some kind of malignant tumor and there’s truly only one way to cut it out. Be sure and respond to the text saying you also had a good time and would like to do it again. But don’t hit send, oh no. Add a little P.S. at the bottom, giving them their half of the restaurant bill and anything else you paid for. Be sure and ask for their CashApp too. If that doesn’t get you left on read and ghosted, then it must be true love.
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